That is intimacy, boys and girls. We’ve all been there. Love you to pieces, what are you thinking right now?! As we’ve gone through Genesis 2:24, we’ve talked about “a man” and the concept of maturity as you move forward through life. It’s been said that women marry men hoping they’ll change, and men marry women hoping that they won’t. The truth is though, if you’re not changing, then you’re doing something wrong. If you stay stagnant, that’s what you’ll become - stagnant, stinky and gross. We should be changing and growing.
“Therefore a man shall leave” and we talked about the transition, leaving mom and dad and going out on your own. God designed the concept of a complete family that way. Then the concept of a new family came up in “hold fast”. Some of us grew up in single homes, broken homes, maybe without even knowing who are biological families are, but we see through this that whatever happened then doesn’t dictate what happens now if we follow him, and we hold fast to each other in a new family.
Nici shared about the complementarianism in the role of wives, and she worked through Proverbs 31, which most women hate to hear but she added the tagline, “Don’t hate her, emulate her.” It was fantastic, then we moved on to “they shall become” which is the process of learning, friendship, and trust. Friendship is such an important focus, and is the baseline for today, because if that friendship isn’t there then the physical intimacy is just going to be kind of awkward, uncomfortable, or non-existent. So we move from “they shall become” to the concept of “one flesh.”
From the outset, “one flesh” is talking about sex, the physical union - but there’s so much more to discuss before we get to that. A lot of churches consider sex kind of a taboo topic, we don’t want to talk about it, we don’t want to push, so we’ll just leave it at that verse that says “The marriage bed is undefiled,” so sex is good, just go. If you grew up in a legalistic format like I did, you were basically told from the time you were born until the day before you got married, “Sex is bad. Don’t do it, don’t think about it, don’t get anywhere near it.” You go through all that, have that drilled into your head for so many years, then you’re standing at the altar and they flip the switch on you and say, “Yeah! Go do it! Go do it a lot!” That gets frustrating and confusing, so we’re going to deal with it how the Bible deals with it.
“Therefore a man shall leave” and we talked about the transition, leaving mom and dad and going out on your own. God designed the concept of a complete family that way. Then the concept of a new family came up in “hold fast”. Some of us grew up in single homes, broken homes, maybe without even knowing who are biological families are, but we see through this that whatever happened then doesn’t dictate what happens now if we follow him, and we hold fast to each other in a new family.
Nici shared about the complementarianism in the role of wives, and she worked through Proverbs 31, which most women hate to hear but she added the tagline, “Don’t hate her, emulate her.” It was fantastic, then we moved on to “they shall become” which is the process of learning, friendship, and trust. Friendship is such an important focus, and is the baseline for today, because if that friendship isn’t there then the physical intimacy is just going to be kind of awkward, uncomfortable, or non-existent. So we move from “they shall become” to the concept of “one flesh.”
From the outset, “one flesh” is talking about sex, the physical union - but there’s so much more to discuss before we get to that. A lot of churches consider sex kind of a taboo topic, we don’t want to talk about it, we don’t want to push, so we’ll just leave it at that verse that says “The marriage bed is undefiled,” so sex is good, just go. If you grew up in a legalistic format like I did, you were basically told from the time you were born until the day before you got married, “Sex is bad. Don’t do it, don’t think about it, don’t get anywhere near it.” You go through all that, have that drilled into your head for so many years, then you’re standing at the altar and they flip the switch on you and say, “Yeah! Go do it! Go do it a lot!” That gets frustrating and confusing, so we’re going to deal with it how the Bible deals with it.
There are 3 parts to intimacy: spiritual, emotional, and physical.
Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual Intimacy is the the foundation. Prayer is a personal encounter with God. Letting your spouse peek into a sliver of that relationship by saying heartfelt prayers of petition or thanks together is the beginning of becoming soul-mates.
I started doing a lot of research, looking for a Bible verse that says that phrase we’ve all heard, “couples that pray together stay together.” We’ve all seen those bumper stickers, or the pithy church signs I generally make fun of. I didn’t find anything about spiritual intimacy. Here’s why: because that’s the groundwork we’ve been talking about this whole time, that design and concept of praying with each other, praying for each other, talking about what the Bible says together. Nici was reading the Gospels the other night sitting on the couch, comparing what the different authors said about a certain account, and we talked about it, we were working through it. It’s a continual process, you keep working on that. Some of you are still scared out of your mind to pray with your spouse. You’ll pray for them, tag them on Facebook, but won’t sit down hand in hand and pray with them or pray over them. Then you get frustrated about why there isn’t more sex - because the intimacy isn’t there yet. There’s some truth to the “couples that pray together stay together,” but the truth is that couples that are willing to daily seek God’s glory and the other’s good realize what intimacy REALLY looks like. It’s not just sitting at dinner and praying for the meal. That doesn’t quite cut it. It’s a great start, but it is just a start.
Here are some ideas for building that spiritual intimacy.
1. Read the Bible. On your own, and then talk about it. You may want to set a certain time and have a discussion, which might lead to conversation or to frustration if you’re arguing over who’s right. Get a good study Bible, or a life application Bible, and start working through it together. Make the appointment - you schedule lunch with other people, so make the appointment with God and keep it!
2. Talk about what you’ve read in the Bible and what you’re learning.
3. Pray ALOUD together. You can’t get more intimate than praying aloud together as a couple. If you haven’t done it before, it’ll be awkward and uncomfortable. It’ll be like the first time you held hands or kissed, same thing with prayer - it’ll be awkward for awhile but keep doing it.
4. Hold hands and pray. Some of you still get sweaty hands or butterflies when you’re around each other. That’s an okay thing!
5. Study together. Go to a community group, watch a RightNow Media series, read the same book, read the Bible, ANYTHING that grows your knowledge of God and life with Jesus - then TALK ABOUT IT.
6. Encourage each other as you see growth. Notice and compliment the changes that you see as they’re growing and learning and changing.
7. Teach your children to follow Jesus and what that looks like. Some families have a time every day at a certain time, they talk together to talk through it. Other families, it’s just whenever something comes up, if it’s in the car or at the dinner table - somebody screws up and we all try to learn from what happened. Don’t just talk about it, but live out the example in front of them!
8. Be thankful. Be thankful to God for what he’s already blessed you with. Be thankful to each other. Be thankful to God for each other. All those areas where you fail, your spouse is probably really good at. Be thankful for that.
Emotional Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy lays the foundation for emotional intimacy. You’re already talking about everything, you’re sharing what’s on your heart and what you’re learning, so you begin to talk about more and more in this process of learning, and friendship, and trust. As a couple shares their joys, fears, frustrations, sorrows, and even anger with each other, through communicating with each other, trust is built. You communicate with words, with tone, with facial expression. I’ve been told that my resting face looks pretty mean. That’s something I have to be aware of. We need to build emotional intimacy.
What happens if we don’t build emotional intimacy? From a Christian wife/author/blogger/speaker, “making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don’t make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite. That may not seem fair, because you may think: why does everything have to do with sex? Why can’t he just love me for who I am? But men were created to feel affirmation through sex. When we don’t want them, they feel as if they aren’t loved either, even if it’s not what we intend. Many women don’t understand how devastating it is to men to be constantly turned down by their wives. I’ve heard so many men say, ‘I get rejected so often that I’ve given up pursuing it...it’s humiliating.’”
The lack of physical intimacy starts to divide a couple and destroy the emotional intimacy rather than bring them together, and that’s an emotional intimacy nightmare. One spouse is wanting it, noticing that they have a few free minutes, the doors are locked, the kids are gone...and the other one is saying “No.” After a while, the first spouse stops asking, they don’t want to say it, they don’t want to bring it up because they feel stupid, they’re tired of rejection, and that emotional intimacy begins to crumble, shatter, and break apart.
If you feel he demands sex too much, you get mad at him and say that he should just grow up and not need it so much, but then you’re imposing your views on him and asking him to change when you’re not willing to change. So this emotional intimacy that should be bringing you together is actually tearing you apart, and it’s frustrating.
Physical Intimacy
If we have the spiritual and emotional intimacy, that’s going to lead to the physical intimacy. We talk about this a lot in my house, that and poop or farting, but my kids still don’t want to hear me talk about it. My kids ask, “Why do you have to talk about sex? I don’t want to picture this happening between my parents!” And I say, “We’re going to to talk about it because you’re hearing about it everywhere else. You’re hearing about it at school, on social media, in the music you’re listening to, in movies and tv shows. You’re seeing a worldly view that says this is amazing and let’s do it as much as possible and it doesn’t matter with who, let’s just keep going. If you’re getting that from everywhere else, then we as the church have to be willing to step up and talk about what the Bible says about sex.”
So what does the Bible say about it? It’s good! It’s very good! God created it and blessed it. It’s not just for reproduction, because there are body parts that are only for sexual pleasure - that’s their only purpose! God designed sex and said, “You need to do this! This is amazing!” That’s what he said. And it’s been destroyed by the world.
In the early 90’s, Salt-N-Pepa came out with a song that says:
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex for now
To the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cause that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know, anything goes
Let's tell it like it is, and how it could be
Amen. But let’s talk about what the Bible says about it.
Physical Intimacy is more than just the act of sex. Physical intimacy is holding hands, kissing each other, hugging each other. My wife and I were kissing in the kitchen the other day and one of the kids walked in and was like, “Oh, come on!” If we didn’t do this, you wouldn’t be here, dude. You better be grateful. It’s okay, it’s a good thing.
There’s actually some health benefits to this.
Spiritual Intimacy is the the foundation. Prayer is a personal encounter with God. Letting your spouse peek into a sliver of that relationship by saying heartfelt prayers of petition or thanks together is the beginning of becoming soul-mates.
I started doing a lot of research, looking for a Bible verse that says that phrase we’ve all heard, “couples that pray together stay together.” We’ve all seen those bumper stickers, or the pithy church signs I generally make fun of. I didn’t find anything about spiritual intimacy. Here’s why: because that’s the groundwork we’ve been talking about this whole time, that design and concept of praying with each other, praying for each other, talking about what the Bible says together. Nici was reading the Gospels the other night sitting on the couch, comparing what the different authors said about a certain account, and we talked about it, we were working through it. It’s a continual process, you keep working on that. Some of you are still scared out of your mind to pray with your spouse. You’ll pray for them, tag them on Facebook, but won’t sit down hand in hand and pray with them or pray over them. Then you get frustrated about why there isn’t more sex - because the intimacy isn’t there yet. There’s some truth to the “couples that pray together stay together,” but the truth is that couples that are willing to daily seek God’s glory and the other’s good realize what intimacy REALLY looks like. It’s not just sitting at dinner and praying for the meal. That doesn’t quite cut it. It’s a great start, but it is just a start.
Here are some ideas for building that spiritual intimacy.
1. Read the Bible. On your own, and then talk about it. You may want to set a certain time and have a discussion, which might lead to conversation or to frustration if you’re arguing over who’s right. Get a good study Bible, or a life application Bible, and start working through it together. Make the appointment - you schedule lunch with other people, so make the appointment with God and keep it!
2. Talk about what you’ve read in the Bible and what you’re learning.
3. Pray ALOUD together. You can’t get more intimate than praying aloud together as a couple. If you haven’t done it before, it’ll be awkward and uncomfortable. It’ll be like the first time you held hands or kissed, same thing with prayer - it’ll be awkward for awhile but keep doing it.
4. Hold hands and pray. Some of you still get sweaty hands or butterflies when you’re around each other. That’s an okay thing!
5. Study together. Go to a community group, watch a RightNow Media series, read the same book, read the Bible, ANYTHING that grows your knowledge of God and life with Jesus - then TALK ABOUT IT.
6. Encourage each other as you see growth. Notice and compliment the changes that you see as they’re growing and learning and changing.
7. Teach your children to follow Jesus and what that looks like. Some families have a time every day at a certain time, they talk together to talk through it. Other families, it’s just whenever something comes up, if it’s in the car or at the dinner table - somebody screws up and we all try to learn from what happened. Don’t just talk about it, but live out the example in front of them!
8. Be thankful. Be thankful to God for what he’s already blessed you with. Be thankful to each other. Be thankful to God for each other. All those areas where you fail, your spouse is probably really good at. Be thankful for that.
Emotional Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy lays the foundation for emotional intimacy. You’re already talking about everything, you’re sharing what’s on your heart and what you’re learning, so you begin to talk about more and more in this process of learning, and friendship, and trust. As a couple shares their joys, fears, frustrations, sorrows, and even anger with each other, through communicating with each other, trust is built. You communicate with words, with tone, with facial expression. I’ve been told that my resting face looks pretty mean. That’s something I have to be aware of. We need to build emotional intimacy.
What happens if we don’t build emotional intimacy? From a Christian wife/author/blogger/speaker, “making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don’t make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite. That may not seem fair, because you may think: why does everything have to do with sex? Why can’t he just love me for who I am? But men were created to feel affirmation through sex. When we don’t want them, they feel as if they aren’t loved either, even if it’s not what we intend. Many women don’t understand how devastating it is to men to be constantly turned down by their wives. I’ve heard so many men say, ‘I get rejected so often that I’ve given up pursuing it...it’s humiliating.’”
The lack of physical intimacy starts to divide a couple and destroy the emotional intimacy rather than bring them together, and that’s an emotional intimacy nightmare. One spouse is wanting it, noticing that they have a few free minutes, the doors are locked, the kids are gone...and the other one is saying “No.” After a while, the first spouse stops asking, they don’t want to say it, they don’t want to bring it up because they feel stupid, they’re tired of rejection, and that emotional intimacy begins to crumble, shatter, and break apart.
If you feel he demands sex too much, you get mad at him and say that he should just grow up and not need it so much, but then you’re imposing your views on him and asking him to change when you’re not willing to change. So this emotional intimacy that should be bringing you together is actually tearing you apart, and it’s frustrating.
Physical Intimacy
If we have the spiritual and emotional intimacy, that’s going to lead to the physical intimacy. We talk about this a lot in my house, that and poop or farting, but my kids still don’t want to hear me talk about it. My kids ask, “Why do you have to talk about sex? I don’t want to picture this happening between my parents!” And I say, “We’re going to to talk about it because you’re hearing about it everywhere else. You’re hearing about it at school, on social media, in the music you’re listening to, in movies and tv shows. You’re seeing a worldly view that says this is amazing and let’s do it as much as possible and it doesn’t matter with who, let’s just keep going. If you’re getting that from everywhere else, then we as the church have to be willing to step up and talk about what the Bible says about sex.”
So what does the Bible say about it? It’s good! It’s very good! God created it and blessed it. It’s not just for reproduction, because there are body parts that are only for sexual pleasure - that’s their only purpose! God designed sex and said, “You need to do this! This is amazing!” That’s what he said. And it’s been destroyed by the world.
In the early 90’s, Salt-N-Pepa came out with a song that says:
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex for now
To the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cause that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know, anything goes
Let's tell it like it is, and how it could be
Amen. But let’s talk about what the Bible says about it.
Physical Intimacy is more than just the act of sex. Physical intimacy is holding hands, kissing each other, hugging each other. My wife and I were kissing in the kitchen the other day and one of the kids walked in and was like, “Oh, come on!” If we didn’t do this, you wouldn’t be here, dude. You better be grateful. It’s okay, it’s a good thing.
There’s actually some health benefits to this.
Is that an accident? High school couples, why do you feel so much closer after you start kissing? Because God designed it that way. If it’s not your future husband or wife, you’re forming bonds that will be a struggle to deal with later.
That’s really cool. I had no clue.
You begin to feel vulnerable when you’re that close. There are medical benefits to this. I looked it up - because the internet is always true - so I went to WebMD.com and here are some benefits to sex.
When sex is happening regularly (defined by WebMD as between 2-5 times per week):
-It helps ward off the cold and flu
-It reduces depression and stress
-It helps lower blood pressure
-It boosts brain power - increases neurons for memory storage and improves analytical thinking. (Well my brain’s in kind of a fog lately, guess what you need to do?!)
-It improves physical fitness - working out regularly improves your sex life, and having sex regularly improves your gym workouts. (And you’ll end up with really good abs!)
-It relieves pain. Some of you deal with chronic pain, this will help with that. Including headaches, so… Sex releases oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, and phenyl ethylamine into the body to help deal with pain
-It improves sleep
-It enhances your sense of smell - sex releases prolactin, increasing the part of the brain that helps us understand and react to smells
-It regulates the menstrual cycle
-It decreases risk for heart disease, including heart attacks
-It decreases the risk of prostate cancer, ESPECIALLY in men 40’s and over. (Honey, I don’t want to get cancer…)
-It regulates women’s immune systems, and reduces risks of severe complications in pregnancy
-It boosts libido (the more you do it, the more your brain and body want to do it)
-It improves bladder control in women - fewer to no instances of incontinence. (You women who have had babies, you may struggle in this area.)
Satan’s BIG marriage strategy: get them to have sex before marriage and get them to stop having sex after marriage. If he can do that, he’ll destroy your marriage. Some of you are giving way to the devil. For too many of us, it’s become more of a duty than a delight. Pleasure in sex is assured and encouraged by God himself.
Proverbs 5:18-19
He’s saying you need to have sex with your wife. Because she’s your wife.
-We’re told to delight in our spouse - in fact, we see from this that’s the only way we’ll find true sexual delight and satisfaction.
-We see that delighting in sex is RIGHT and PLEASING to God -
- “Satisfy” pictures a thirsty, dry person being quenched with a cool drink of water - the sexual relationship is to be as refreshing, delightful, and pleasant as that drink of water. Not just passively offering your body, but aggressively using your body to bring complete sexual satisfaction to your spouse. This is not a picture of something you receive but of something you give. You don’t just lay there and wait for him to be done! That ain’t it!
- “Ravished” literally, to be drunk, intoxicated, or overwhelmed with satisfaction - you have been so aggressively pleasing your mate that he/she cannot receive any more. Your mate is so satisfied there is no more interest in sex at that time. You have worn them out. That’s what we’re talking about here. Such a satisfied mate will not be looking elsewhere. They’re just not. There’s a reason that the porn industry is in the billions of dollars. There’s a reason it takes the revenues of ABC, CBS, NBC, the NFL, the Major Leagues, and the NBA to add up to the porn industry.
-How do you know when your spouse is satisfied? When your spouse is so satisfied it would be difficult to be tempted into a sexual relationship outside of marriage. That’s when you are using the gift God gave you to help your spouse to be with your spouse, to serve your spouse so much that they’re like, “My cup is running over, I don’t want to look at anything else, or anyone else, I just want to be with her.”
1 Corinthians 7:2-5
When we marry, we actually participate in a gift exchange. The wife gives the gift of her body to her husband, and he gives the gift of his body to her. Each gives up the right to his or her own body and turns that authority over to the other.
This is an awesome concept. Sadly, we quickly learn that one of the easiest ways to hurt a spouse is to withhold the gift of your body. But God makes it clear that we do not have this right.
I don’t know about you, but when I give someone a present, I give the best gift when I know that person and what makes him or her light up. I lavish those close to me with gifts. I love giving gifts. Christmas is both a blessing and a nightmare to me, because I get the gifts and want to give them right away. I love seeing them use the gifts and have fun with them.
The same is true when spouses take time to understand each other’s wants and desires. You have to talk about sex. Some of you are not comfortable talking about it, you just want to do it. You have to talk, because you need to know what they like, what they don’t like, what feels weird, what they don’t want to do again. You have to talk through stuff. This is the closest relationship you will ever have apart from Christ. Intimacy is required in order for it to be a success. Bare your deepest desires, tell it all, and if it’s within the confines of the Bible, it’s okay.
For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you. (I heard a statistic that 97% of the time, the husbands want sex more than the wives. But there’s that 2-3% of women who want it more than their husbands, and the rest of the men are really jealous of that guy, so your situation may be reversed but I’m talking to you as well.) Lack of sex is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance - and just as dangerous to your marriage.
Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, helps with a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence. Guys, when you know without a doubt that your wife, man she loves you and supports you and is behind you all the way, you will go out and conquer the world - or at least feel like you can. There’s nothing like that feeling. You feel like you can take on anything, because she care for you, she supports you, she’s behind you, and you’ll go after it. And, of course, sex also makes him feel loved - in fact, he won’t feel completely loved without it.
At this point, the ladies are all saying, “So…..how much is enough?? He’s going to read this and I’ll never hear the end of ‘But Pastor Jason said…’ so how often do I actually have to do this?” And I’m going to tell you, that’s the wrong question.
Go back to verse 5. When there is abstinence, it’s by mutual consent. This is not one person refusing the other or one person withholding sex from the other to punish him/her or withholding sex because one is upset with the other. This is not giving a reward for some other action. You’re not using this as a manipulation tool. Sex is NOT a weapon or bargaining agent. Don’t put strings on this, then it’s not a gift.
The question is not when shall we have sex, or shall we have sex, or when are you going to want sex. Instead, the question is when shall we NOT have sex. Every other time, it should be happening. Mutual consent is not when to HAVE sex but when to REFRAIN from sex.
Four biblical guidelines for refraining from sexual relations:
1 - Both agree - mutual consent
2 - Specific period of time, predetermined, prearranged
3 - Specific goal like surgery, trip, etc
4 - Terminated by sexual relations
Sexual relations should also precede this time of mutual consent so each will not be tempted for “their lack of self control.”
So, how often or frequently should a husband and wife have sex?
I have 2 “F” words that should describe sex. Every ear just went….”go on?” It should be happening FREELY - in other words, actively engage. And it should be happening FREQUENTLY.
To lighten the conversation back up again, here’s another #marriedpeopleissues tweet:
When sex is happening regularly (defined by WebMD as between 2-5 times per week):
-It helps ward off the cold and flu
-It reduces depression and stress
-It helps lower blood pressure
-It boosts brain power - increases neurons for memory storage and improves analytical thinking. (Well my brain’s in kind of a fog lately, guess what you need to do?!)
-It improves physical fitness - working out regularly improves your sex life, and having sex regularly improves your gym workouts. (And you’ll end up with really good abs!)
-It relieves pain. Some of you deal with chronic pain, this will help with that. Including headaches, so… Sex releases oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, and phenyl ethylamine into the body to help deal with pain
-It improves sleep
-It enhances your sense of smell - sex releases prolactin, increasing the part of the brain that helps us understand and react to smells
-It regulates the menstrual cycle
-It decreases risk for heart disease, including heart attacks
-It decreases the risk of prostate cancer, ESPECIALLY in men 40’s and over. (Honey, I don’t want to get cancer…)
-It regulates women’s immune systems, and reduces risks of severe complications in pregnancy
-It boosts libido (the more you do it, the more your brain and body want to do it)
-It improves bladder control in women - fewer to no instances of incontinence. (You women who have had babies, you may struggle in this area.)
Satan’s BIG marriage strategy: get them to have sex before marriage and get them to stop having sex after marriage. If he can do that, he’ll destroy your marriage. Some of you are giving way to the devil. For too many of us, it’s become more of a duty than a delight. Pleasure in sex is assured and encouraged by God himself.
Proverbs 5:18-19
He’s saying you need to have sex with your wife. Because she’s your wife.
-We’re told to delight in our spouse - in fact, we see from this that’s the only way we’ll find true sexual delight and satisfaction.
-We see that delighting in sex is RIGHT and PLEASING to God -
- “Satisfy” pictures a thirsty, dry person being quenched with a cool drink of water - the sexual relationship is to be as refreshing, delightful, and pleasant as that drink of water. Not just passively offering your body, but aggressively using your body to bring complete sexual satisfaction to your spouse. This is not a picture of something you receive but of something you give. You don’t just lay there and wait for him to be done! That ain’t it!
- “Ravished” literally, to be drunk, intoxicated, or overwhelmed with satisfaction - you have been so aggressively pleasing your mate that he/she cannot receive any more. Your mate is so satisfied there is no more interest in sex at that time. You have worn them out. That’s what we’re talking about here. Such a satisfied mate will not be looking elsewhere. They’re just not. There’s a reason that the porn industry is in the billions of dollars. There’s a reason it takes the revenues of ABC, CBS, NBC, the NFL, the Major Leagues, and the NBA to add up to the porn industry.
-How do you know when your spouse is satisfied? When your spouse is so satisfied it would be difficult to be tempted into a sexual relationship outside of marriage. That’s when you are using the gift God gave you to help your spouse to be with your spouse, to serve your spouse so much that they’re like, “My cup is running over, I don’t want to look at anything else, or anyone else, I just want to be with her.”
1 Corinthians 7:2-5
When we marry, we actually participate in a gift exchange. The wife gives the gift of her body to her husband, and he gives the gift of his body to her. Each gives up the right to his or her own body and turns that authority over to the other.
This is an awesome concept. Sadly, we quickly learn that one of the easiest ways to hurt a spouse is to withhold the gift of your body. But God makes it clear that we do not have this right.
I don’t know about you, but when I give someone a present, I give the best gift when I know that person and what makes him or her light up. I lavish those close to me with gifts. I love giving gifts. Christmas is both a blessing and a nightmare to me, because I get the gifts and want to give them right away. I love seeing them use the gifts and have fun with them.
The same is true when spouses take time to understand each other’s wants and desires. You have to talk about sex. Some of you are not comfortable talking about it, you just want to do it. You have to talk, because you need to know what they like, what they don’t like, what feels weird, what they don’t want to do again. You have to talk through stuff. This is the closest relationship you will ever have apart from Christ. Intimacy is required in order for it to be a success. Bare your deepest desires, tell it all, and if it’s within the confines of the Bible, it’s okay.
For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you. (I heard a statistic that 97% of the time, the husbands want sex more than the wives. But there’s that 2-3% of women who want it more than their husbands, and the rest of the men are really jealous of that guy, so your situation may be reversed but I’m talking to you as well.) Lack of sex is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance - and just as dangerous to your marriage.
Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, helps with a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence. Guys, when you know without a doubt that your wife, man she loves you and supports you and is behind you all the way, you will go out and conquer the world - or at least feel like you can. There’s nothing like that feeling. You feel like you can take on anything, because she care for you, she supports you, she’s behind you, and you’ll go after it. And, of course, sex also makes him feel loved - in fact, he won’t feel completely loved without it.
At this point, the ladies are all saying, “So…..how much is enough?? He’s going to read this and I’ll never hear the end of ‘But Pastor Jason said…’ so how often do I actually have to do this?” And I’m going to tell you, that’s the wrong question.
Go back to verse 5. When there is abstinence, it’s by mutual consent. This is not one person refusing the other or one person withholding sex from the other to punish him/her or withholding sex because one is upset with the other. This is not giving a reward for some other action. You’re not using this as a manipulation tool. Sex is NOT a weapon or bargaining agent. Don’t put strings on this, then it’s not a gift.
The question is not when shall we have sex, or shall we have sex, or when are you going to want sex. Instead, the question is when shall we NOT have sex. Every other time, it should be happening. Mutual consent is not when to HAVE sex but when to REFRAIN from sex.
Four biblical guidelines for refraining from sexual relations:
1 - Both agree - mutual consent
2 - Specific period of time, predetermined, prearranged
3 - Specific goal like surgery, trip, etc
4 - Terminated by sexual relations
Sexual relations should also precede this time of mutual consent so each will not be tempted for “their lack of self control.”
So, how often or frequently should a husband and wife have sex?
- Enough to keep each other satisfied. This means to burning or unfulfilled desire (1 Corinthians 7:9) This is determined by the mate’s definition and through open communication. “Are you satisfied? No? Then let’s fix that.”
- Enough to avoid temptation. Unnecessary abstinence in sex makes self-control unbelievably difficult. This doesn’t excuse sin, even though failure to apply this principle makes it easier to sin. If you’re walking close to a cliff, you don’t shove your partner closer, you reach out and pull them back!
I have 2 “F” words that should describe sex. Every ear just went….”go on?” It should be happening FREELY - in other words, actively engage. And it should be happening FREQUENTLY.
To lighten the conversation back up again, here’s another #marriedpeopleissues tweet:
Do not miss this: Satan is trying to destroy this church and every church around be destroying the marriages in the church. That’s why marriage is SO important, intimacy is SO important, that’s why Paul compared the relationship of Jesus to the church to that of a marriage. That’s how foundational this is. Do not miss this! If you’re still struggling, read back through this series, buy the books, talk to a counselor. Work through this, do not stand aside and let the enemy destroy your marriage because you’re too proud to say it, or because you’re too selfish. Step up and do something. Please.