Marriage. If we don’t laugh at ourselves, who are we going to laugh at? So here are some more #marriedpeopleissues Tweets for us to laugh at.
Some ladies aren’t laughing as hard, because that’s so true it hurts. Men are big babies when they get sick. At least that’s what I’ve heard.
I have a thought-provoking statement to start us out.
I have a thought-provoking statement to start us out.
That’s Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty, if you don’t recognize him.
We’re going to focus now specifically on the phrase “they shall become.” We’ve talked about maturity, transition, the complete family, a new family, and about the role of the wife. Now we’re going to focus on the process of learning and friendship and trust. You don’t arrive at that the moment you meet. You don’t arrive at that in your first few dates. In fact you don’t arrive at that by your 50th wedding anniversary. You never get to say, “Well I know him/her, I’ve got them figured out.” You know some things about them, but you’re still learning. The moment you stop learning, this process begins to break down.
When I do premarital counseling, we frequently work through this book by Mark and Grace Driscoll titled Real Marriage. It’s about love, there’s quite a bit on sex, but there’s one word in the title that I haven’t seen in other books on marriage, and it’s the word “friendship.” If you’re not friends, if you’re not building that intimate relationship, if you’re not building that trust, then you’re really just glorified roommates and you’re not creating and following this process of learning and growing each other in this process of friendship and trust.
We’re going to focus now specifically on the phrase “they shall become.” We’ve talked about maturity, transition, the complete family, a new family, and about the role of the wife. Now we’re going to focus on the process of learning and friendship and trust. You don’t arrive at that the moment you meet. You don’t arrive at that in your first few dates. In fact you don’t arrive at that by your 50th wedding anniversary. You never get to say, “Well I know him/her, I’ve got them figured out.” You know some things about them, but you’re still learning. The moment you stop learning, this process begins to break down.
When I do premarital counseling, we frequently work through this book by Mark and Grace Driscoll titled Real Marriage. It’s about love, there’s quite a bit on sex, but there’s one word in the title that I haven’t seen in other books on marriage, and it’s the word “friendship.” If you’re not friends, if you’re not building that intimate relationship, if you’re not building that trust, then you’re really just glorified roommates and you’re not creating and following this process of learning and growing each other in this process of friendship and trust.
In their book, the Driscolls recount the story of Martin and Katie Luther, who struggled with their relationship for years before finally becoming friends. “Something that helped them learn to live together in love was their willingness to dish out and take a joke. They were known for being brutally honest with each other, poking fun at each other, and doing so as friends.” (p. 22, Real Marriage) Eventually their relationship deepened to the point that Martin said, “The greatest gift of grace a man can have is a pious, God-fearing, home-loving wife, whom he can trust with all his goods, body, and life itself, as well as having her as the mother of his children.” (p. 23, Real Marriage)
If it’s a process of learning, friendship, and trust, how then do I learn more about my spouse? How do I get to know them? How do I be their friend? How do I build that trust? What’s the foundation of that? Communication.
How important are words? My guess is, really important. Genesis 1:1-2, you go on to verse 3 and “God said.” God didn’t shoot a lightning bolt out of his finger, he used words to create. God communicated, and it happened. He used words. How does God teach us? He uses this, the Word of God, made of 66 inerrant books, and it’s inspired - God breathed. It was written by a little over 40 people, but they were guided by the Holy Spirit and they used words to teach us now. So words are kind of a big deal!
How important are words? My guess is, really important. Genesis 1:1-2, you go on to verse 3 and “God said.” God didn’t shoot a lightning bolt out of his finger, he used words to create. God communicated, and it happened. He used words. How does God teach us? He uses this, the Word of God, made of 66 inerrant books, and it’s inspired - God breathed. It was written by a little over 40 people, but they were guided by the Holy Spirit and they used words to teach us now. So words are kind of a big deal!
Dr. John Gottman says that when conflict arises, there are “four horsemen” who are certain to multiply relational pain and result in marital death.
- 1. Criticism - attacking someone’s character or personality, instead of the problem.
- 2. Contempt - showing disgust for your spouse through mocking, condescending, belittling, demeaning, rolling your eyes, or belligerent behavior
- 3. Defensiveness - refusing to apologize or back down but instead excusing behavior and even blaming the other spouse in an effort to appear morally superior
- 4. Stonewalling - settling for two lonely, parallel lives by tuning out your spouse, walking away from conversation, disengaging emotionally and verbally (Driscoll, Real Marriage, p 86-87)
While words are an important, and the majority percentage, of our communication, words alone are not sufficient for effective Biblical communication. It starts with our words, it doesn’t end with our words. In fact, God instructs us to not let our words be our only source of communication. Use words, but don’t stop with the words.
1 John 3:18
The communication starts with your words, and those make up a vast majority, but it’s not only that. Our words must be backed up with our actions. There’s an old saying, “Your actions speak so loudly that I can’t hear the words you’re saying.” The superintendent of the high school I attended would say, “Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.” You can tell me, but until I see you living it out I’m going to think you’re full of hot air. The New Testament would call you a Pharisee, and he would have said, “Your mom shagged the devil.” He would have called you a den of vipers, because you talk a good game but you’re not living it. You’re fake, phony, an imposter, and a hypocrite.
We cannot show love with actions alone because God tells us hundreds of times in the Bible that he loves us. Did he stop with just saying “I love you”? John 3:16 Our debt had to paid in a most horrific way, through death. He didn’t just say “I love you,” he proved that he loves us. So we shouldn’t only do things to communicate our love, we should also grow in telling people that we love them. Guys, that can be a difficult thing to do. You almost take that phrase “I love you” for granted. You say it in passing, or when you’re hanging up the phone. Who’s ever made the mistake of saying “love you” when you’re hanging up, and it’s not your wife? You’re just so used to saying it.
We’ll say we love them, but if we look back at how you treat them, and all the other words you use to them and about them, does that show love? We need to grow in telling others that we love them, and then use well-chosen words to communicate and solve the problems, and prevent new ones. The joke is that the woman always has the last word in an argument, and anything the man says is the beginning of a new argument. Not quite there.
Words are our first priority for communication, but for our words to be effective there need to be actions to back them up, and there needs to be reception of our communication. In one of my graduate classes, we focused on human communication. It was mind-numbing at times, because I couldn’t imagine how this professor still had so many words left at the end of the day. We had to develop our own theories of human communication, and we discovered that communication isn’t just talking, it’s also you listening and receiving the same message that I’m trying to transfer. If that isn’t happening, then communication isn’t happening. Then I have to use more words, or different words, or different actions, to try to convey what I’m trying to say. You don’t get to just say “this is what I think” and then drop it! If your spouse doesn’t understand, or wants to engage to try to understand, you don’t get to stop! You keep going! It’s communication.
Communication is defined by Wayne Mack in the book Your Family, God’s Way as “The process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the sender’s message is received as intended. Unless the sender and receiver have come to a common meaning, they have not communicated effectively.”
1 John 3:18
The communication starts with your words, and those make up a vast majority, but it’s not only that. Our words must be backed up with our actions. There’s an old saying, “Your actions speak so loudly that I can’t hear the words you’re saying.” The superintendent of the high school I attended would say, “Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.” You can tell me, but until I see you living it out I’m going to think you’re full of hot air. The New Testament would call you a Pharisee, and he would have said, “Your mom shagged the devil.” He would have called you a den of vipers, because you talk a good game but you’re not living it. You’re fake, phony, an imposter, and a hypocrite.
We cannot show love with actions alone because God tells us hundreds of times in the Bible that he loves us. Did he stop with just saying “I love you”? John 3:16 Our debt had to paid in a most horrific way, through death. He didn’t just say “I love you,” he proved that he loves us. So we shouldn’t only do things to communicate our love, we should also grow in telling people that we love them. Guys, that can be a difficult thing to do. You almost take that phrase “I love you” for granted. You say it in passing, or when you’re hanging up the phone. Who’s ever made the mistake of saying “love you” when you’re hanging up, and it’s not your wife? You’re just so used to saying it.
We’ll say we love them, but if we look back at how you treat them, and all the other words you use to them and about them, does that show love? We need to grow in telling others that we love them, and then use well-chosen words to communicate and solve the problems, and prevent new ones. The joke is that the woman always has the last word in an argument, and anything the man says is the beginning of a new argument. Not quite there.
Words are our first priority for communication, but for our words to be effective there need to be actions to back them up, and there needs to be reception of our communication. In one of my graduate classes, we focused on human communication. It was mind-numbing at times, because I couldn’t imagine how this professor still had so many words left at the end of the day. We had to develop our own theories of human communication, and we discovered that communication isn’t just talking, it’s also you listening and receiving the same message that I’m trying to transfer. If that isn’t happening, then communication isn’t happening. Then I have to use more words, or different words, or different actions, to try to convey what I’m trying to say. You don’t get to just say “this is what I think” and then drop it! If your spouse doesn’t understand, or wants to engage to try to understand, you don’t get to stop! You keep going! It’s communication.
Communication is defined by Wayne Mack in the book Your Family, God’s Way as “The process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the sender’s message is received as intended. Unless the sender and receiver have come to a common meaning, they have not communicated effectively.”
How do we communicate?
1 - Use words. Psalm 119:105 - what is a lamp and light? His words! How we communicate tells others what’s really inside of us. What we say and how we say it demonstrates what’s in our hearts. Matthew 12:34, Proverbs 18:4 You know what, the first things out of my mouth, what if I’m always telling foul, dirty jokes all the time? What if the first thing out of my mouth is negativity and frustration? What if it’s constantly foul language? What if nothing comes out? What does that tell me? Even your lack of words speaks volumes sometimes. It’s telling me where your heart’s at. So what is in a man who speaks harshly, gossips, fails to tell his family and especially his spouse how much he loves them and is proud of them? What’s in your heart if you’re not doing those things? It’s not love. That’s what isn’t there.
2 - The non-words. Don’t assume that you know what someone else is thinking! I don’t care if you’ve been right before, that’s a proud and arrogant place to be. Don’t assume you know what someone else, your spouse, is thinking because it will jack you up. We all know what happens when you assume. We captured a couple in the church trying to figure things out in their life and journaling about it, check out this video.
2 - The non-words. Don’t assume that you know what someone else is thinking! I don’t care if you’ve been right before, that’s a proud and arrogant place to be. Don’t assume you know what someone else, your spouse, is thinking because it will jack you up. We all know what happens when you assume. We captured a couple in the church trying to figure things out in their life and journaling about it, check out this video.
How many of you are guilty of that right there? We’re all guilty of that. It’s truth, that’s what happens, and we allow our thoughts to run away with us instead of openly communicating. “I don’t know why she said that. I don’t know why he did this.” Then ask! “Well they’re really busy.” Then say that set aside a time when they get home from work because what they’re saying and doing don’t line up and you need to chat. You need to work this out. Don’t just assume you’ve got it all figured out! Communication is a learned behavior and it requires growth. How many of you, if I gave you the next 2-3 years, you could learn the entire Chinese language? Then how do toddlers do it? They don’t have Rosetta Stone. They learn the language, they learn actions and visual cues, they spend time learning and communicating and figuring it out. If a 2 or 3 year old can figure it out, then don’t tell me you can’t. It’s because you’re lazy and selfish and have pride issues - that’s why you’re not doing it.
We struggle with failing to communicate the things that we should be saying. Just like the video, “I don’t get it, I don’t understand, what’s going on?” And he’s thinking, “Is it the ignition switch? The starter? Dead battery?” They’re worlds apart! We live that out so many times in our lives.
We struggle with failing to communicate the things that we should be saying. Just like the video, “I don’t get it, I don’t understand, what’s going on?” And he’s thinking, “Is it the ignition switch? The starter? Dead battery?” They’re worlds apart! We live that out so many times in our lives.
Here’s what we need to do:
1 - Look for ways to express our love and thankfulness to each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 All circumstances, not just at Thanksgiving. Don’t just start #thankful in November, but in the other 11 months too! I grew up in a Christian school, accepted Christ in 7th grade, and the big question was “What is God’s will for me?” Nobody ever directed me to verses like this. Here’s the will of God: Be thankful. That’s it? Yes, that’s part of it.
2 - Be willing to talk about what others want to talk about. Part B: Be willing to listen to what others want to talk about. Not just sit there quietly and acting like you’re listening, but actively engage in listening to the point where you’re making mental - or even physical - notes. Holding them to the end, and then saying, “I have a question about what you said there.” Philippians 2:3 Wait, do what? Nothing? I have stuff to say! No, shut up. That doesn’t mean think less of yourself, it means think of yourself less. Stop waiting until they’re done talking so you can get in what you want to say. Listen and encourage them to keep going and keep explaining.
3 - Communicate with all your heart. Galatians 6:10 Okay, so if we’re supposed to do good with everyone, if we’re especially supposed to take care of brothers and sisters in Christ, how much more so should you be taking care of your spouse? How much more should you be communicating with your spouse with all your heart, with what you’re learning. “Well you don’t understand, I’m leading a small group and I’ve got to make sure I’m prepared for that.” No. Your spouse comes before small group. That’s a priority. You talk with them first. If you’re not doing that, stop leading the other thing. Romans 13:7 I’m thinking your spouse is deserving of honor, so don’t take it away from them. Spouse, be honorable. Make it easy for your spouse to love you, accept you, talk to you, respect you, honor you. Don’t force their hand on that, but be honorable.
If you are only willing to communicate when you have something to say, you’re what the Bible calls a fool. The Bible does not take that lightly, that’s one of the worst things you can be called in the Bible. Proverbs 18:2 A fool doesn’t try to understand what they mean. A fool is only interested in telling you what they think. A fool will say, “I’ve been working through this topic for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, and I’ve got it all figured out. Let me tell you what I think. I don’t care what you think, because I’m right. I could be wrong, but I’m not.” That’s how some of us think. Then we wonder, “Why is my marriage in trouble? Why does it not seem to be working well?” We’re surprised when our spouse reacts, because the pot’s been boiling for a while and it’s finally boiling over, and we didn’t see it coming.
2 - Be willing to talk about what others want to talk about. Part B: Be willing to listen to what others want to talk about. Not just sit there quietly and acting like you’re listening, but actively engage in listening to the point where you’re making mental - or even physical - notes. Holding them to the end, and then saying, “I have a question about what you said there.” Philippians 2:3 Wait, do what? Nothing? I have stuff to say! No, shut up. That doesn’t mean think less of yourself, it means think of yourself less. Stop waiting until they’re done talking so you can get in what you want to say. Listen and encourage them to keep going and keep explaining.
3 - Communicate with all your heart. Galatians 6:10 Okay, so if we’re supposed to do good with everyone, if we’re especially supposed to take care of brothers and sisters in Christ, how much more so should you be taking care of your spouse? How much more should you be communicating with your spouse with all your heart, with what you’re learning. “Well you don’t understand, I’m leading a small group and I’ve got to make sure I’m prepared for that.” No. Your spouse comes before small group. That’s a priority. You talk with them first. If you’re not doing that, stop leading the other thing. Romans 13:7 I’m thinking your spouse is deserving of honor, so don’t take it away from them. Spouse, be honorable. Make it easy for your spouse to love you, accept you, talk to you, respect you, honor you. Don’t force their hand on that, but be honorable.
If you are only willing to communicate when you have something to say, you’re what the Bible calls a fool. The Bible does not take that lightly, that’s one of the worst things you can be called in the Bible. Proverbs 18:2 A fool doesn’t try to understand what they mean. A fool is only interested in telling you what they think. A fool will say, “I’ve been working through this topic for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, and I’ve got it all figured out. Let me tell you what I think. I don’t care what you think, because I’m right. I could be wrong, but I’m not.” That’s how some of us think. Then we wonder, “Why is my marriage in trouble? Why does it not seem to be working well?” We’re surprised when our spouse reacts, because the pot’s been boiling for a while and it’s finally boiling over, and we didn’t see it coming.
I don’t know what she said, I heard her talking…
Then there’s this:
Then there’s this:
I’m picking on both men and women, because that actually happens. Both those things happen, regularly. I tell my kids, I get to use the excuse that I’m deaf in my right ear. So if my kids are yelling, I tell them that if they want to talk to me, they’ve got to come to me. There’s TVs between us, and iPods and iEverything, so you just need to come here and let’s talk. “I don’t want to get up!” Okay, then you don’t want to talk that badly.
What does active listening look like?
When done correctly, Biblical correction looks like this:
Ephesians 4:19-32
It looks like learning, friendship, and trust. When it’s not done well, you become callous. You’ve heard now what communication looks like, sounds like, and is like according to the Bible, so you can no longer play the dumb card or the “I forgot” card. You need to choose to remember. “Well that’s just the way I was raised.” No longer an excuse. “That’s just in my nature.” You’re putting off your old nature. Take time to let God work on you as you put that old stuff away and figure out you’re really nothing, you have nothing, apart from Christ. Jesus, use me, lead me, guide me, I have nothing else because I just put everything else away. Now I’m standing here completely helpless, naked, and afraid.
No more lying. No more can I not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, no more withholding some truth or just not telling the truth, and not using my words well. Sometimes the truth hurts, and we get angry. Being angry is not a sin. It’s okay to get angry, but don’t sin when you do. You’re going to want to reject the person who’s speaking truth into your life, you’ll want to attack them. You may want to reject what I’m telling you right now, but it’s not my opinion it’s the Word of God.
You may have some late-night conversations. You had them when you were dating, get back to that and start working through deep stuff. Don’t go to bed angry, because you’ll wake up angry. It’ll keep you from the sin, hate, and bitterness that will grow in your heart toward your spouse.
Some of you aren’t even nice to each other anymore. You’re nicer to the server at the restaurant than you are to your spouse. You’re more respectful to them that you are to your spouse. You put on a good show. You put on a fantastic show sometimes, but you’re full of deceit. The more you understand where someone is coming from, and their life experiences, it’s going to break your heart. You’ll start to understand why they have such a problem with men in general, and with husbands, because they were treated like poop when they were a child, watching their father verbally, mentally, sexually abuse. No wonder you have an issue with men, or with accepting God as a father. Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving.
When done correctly, that’s what Biblical communication looks like. And when does correctly, it leads that process of learning and friendship and trust, it leads to a Biblical relationship. I found a really interesting picture, and it’s totally God-designed in nature but it really struck a chord with me and I hope it does with you as well.
What does active listening look like?
- It’s genuine love and concern about the other person. Ephesians 5:21 I want to submit to you, learn what you have to say, what God’s been teaching you, what you’re struggling with, what your concerns and confusion are, I want to learn all that. Not so I can smack you down and say, “This is why you’re wrong, because I spent so much time figuring it out!” No, I just want to hear your heart because when I do, I learn about you and get to know you more. If I come back with an attack, does that create a trust between us? I don’t think so.
- Practice self-control. Philippians 2:3 I need to practice self-control and put my spouse above me when there’s something they need to discuss. I don’t need to judge, I’m just going to listen. Where are they at? Let’s work through it, maybe it’s something I never considered and I can say, “Wow, I never looked at it that way before, let’s dig in together.”
- Wanting to truly understand the other person’s position. Not just waiting until they’re done so you can argue, but wanting to truly understand based on their study and their life experiences, where they are right now. If you don’t know that, you don’t know how to lead them anywhere else.
- I want to get all the facts, not just think I have all the answers. Proverbs 18:13 You’re a fool, and shame on you if you throw stuff out there before taking the time to listen and understand.
- Avoid distractions. Put the phone down, turn off the TV.
When done correctly, Biblical correction looks like this:
Ephesians 4:19-32
It looks like learning, friendship, and trust. When it’s not done well, you become callous. You’ve heard now what communication looks like, sounds like, and is like according to the Bible, so you can no longer play the dumb card or the “I forgot” card. You need to choose to remember. “Well that’s just the way I was raised.” No longer an excuse. “That’s just in my nature.” You’re putting off your old nature. Take time to let God work on you as you put that old stuff away and figure out you’re really nothing, you have nothing, apart from Christ. Jesus, use me, lead me, guide me, I have nothing else because I just put everything else away. Now I’m standing here completely helpless, naked, and afraid.
No more lying. No more can I not tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, no more withholding some truth or just not telling the truth, and not using my words well. Sometimes the truth hurts, and we get angry. Being angry is not a sin. It’s okay to get angry, but don’t sin when you do. You’re going to want to reject the person who’s speaking truth into your life, you’ll want to attack them. You may want to reject what I’m telling you right now, but it’s not my opinion it’s the Word of God.
You may have some late-night conversations. You had them when you were dating, get back to that and start working through deep stuff. Don’t go to bed angry, because you’ll wake up angry. It’ll keep you from the sin, hate, and bitterness that will grow in your heart toward your spouse.
Some of you aren’t even nice to each other anymore. You’re nicer to the server at the restaurant than you are to your spouse. You’re more respectful to them that you are to your spouse. You put on a good show. You put on a fantastic show sometimes, but you’re full of deceit. The more you understand where someone is coming from, and their life experiences, it’s going to break your heart. You’ll start to understand why they have such a problem with men in general, and with husbands, because they were treated like poop when they were a child, watching their father verbally, mentally, sexually abuse. No wonder you have an issue with men, or with accepting God as a father. Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving.
When done correctly, that’s what Biblical communication looks like. And when does correctly, it leads that process of learning and friendship and trust, it leads to a Biblical relationship. I found a really interesting picture, and it’s totally God-designed in nature but it really struck a chord with me and I hope it does with you as well.
Between those two gray wolves, there is trust. There is friendship, and there is that relationship. God designed this, so let’s pay attention to it. That’s an amazing example.
How do we get from where I’m at on the brink of insanity, over to what you’re talking about? Where do I go with that? We have a list of questions for you to ask each other, things to discuss from the mundane to the deep. Open the doors of communication! Now you know what to talk about. God designed marriage and called it a very good thing. If God the Creator called it that, then we need to make it a very high priority.
50 Questions to Ask Your Spouse*
*borrowed from Faith Biblical Counseling, adapted for commUNITY church, © 2014, 2016
How do we get from where I’m at on the brink of insanity, over to what you’re talking about? Where do I go with that? We have a list of questions for you to ask each other, things to discuss from the mundane to the deep. Open the doors of communication! Now you know what to talk about. God designed marriage and called it a very good thing. If God the Creator called it that, then we need to make it a very high priority.
50 Questions to Ask Your Spouse*
- What are your 5 favorite foods (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What are your 5 favorite kinds of meals (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What are your 5 favorite desserts (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What are your 5 favorite restaurants (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What is your favorite color?
- What are your 5 favorite hobbies (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What are your 5 favorite recreations (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What are your 5 favorite sources of reading (beginning with the most favorite first)?
- What gifts do you like? Why?
- What is your favorite book(s) of the Bible? Why?
- What is your favorite verse(s) of the Bible? Why?
- What is your favorite song(s)?
- What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a man/woman?
- What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a husband/wife?
- What makes you the most fulfilled or happiest as a father/mother?
- What makes you saddest as a man/woman?
- What makes you saddest as a husband/wife?
- What makes you saddest as a father/mother?
- What do you fear the most?
- What other fears do you have?
- What do you look forward to the most?
- How much sleep do you need?
- What do you consider to be your skills?
- What is/are your spiritual gift(s)?
- What are you weaknesses?
- Ask Wife: What things (personal, home, car, etc) need repairing?
Ask Husband: What things around the home need to be cleaned? - Ask Wife: With what chores and responsibilities do you like my help?
Ask Husband: How can I make it easier for you to lead our family? - What caresses do you enjoy the most?
- What caresses do you enjoy the least?
- What action of mine provides you the greatest sexual pleasure?
- What other things stimulate you sexually?
- At what times do you need assurance of my love the most?
- How can that love be shown?
- What can I do that will make it easier to discuss and work on areas or problems that are uncomfortable for you?
- What concerns do you have that I don’t seem interested in?
- What things do I do that irritate you?
- What desires do you have that we haven’t discussed?
- What do you enjoy doing with me, the most enjoyable first?
- What things can I do that show my appreciation for you?
- What varying desires (spiritual, physical/sexual, emotional, intellectual, social, worth, appreciation, security) would you like me to provide?
- Ask Wife: In what ways would you like me to protect you (physically, spiritually, socially, emotionally)?
Ask Husband: In what ways would you like me to respect you? - In what ways would you like me to sacrifice for you?
- What things do you see by my actions that I place first in my life?
- What implied or unspoken desires and wishes would you like me to fulfill?
- What concerns and interests of yours would you like me to support?
- How much time would be good for us to spend together each day?
- In helping family members to use their skills and develop their abilities, what motivating factors would be helpful for me to use?
- What can I do that provides the greatest comfort and encouragement for you when you are hurt, fearful, anxious, or worried?
- What personal habits do I have that you would like changed?
- What ways demonstrate to you that you are a VERY important person who is as important or more important than I am?
*borrowed from Faith Biblical Counseling, adapted for commUNITY church, © 2014, 2016